Isle of Mull, Scotland. Photo by Tree Porn.
Isle of Mull, Scotland. Photo by Tree Porn.
VOSGES by loic MARTIN
"Take nothing for granted. Even a rock will eventually surrender to the sea and love can slip away like sand through fingers."
The Only Way Out Is Through
Dedicated to Linda Kay Kent
Grief lives in our house. Among the furniture, between the windows and the walls, it sits; thick and unmoving. Grief rides, heavy, on my chest. I can’t get a good, deep breath these days. It weighs down my husband’s shoulders and molds his features. Grief seeps into our nights of restless sleep and dreams of forgetting, of waking then remembering.
We lie on our bed listening to the falling rain. Wet, fat drops pelt the windowpane, punctuating the silence. He curls up behind me, concave where I am round; our bodies fit like pieces of a puzzle. In the stillness the edges between us dissolve and I fade into him, absorbing his substance. A crack of thunder sounds. I inhale sharply to pull the air into my lungs. He draws a deep breath in through an open mouth, his chest heaving. With a sigh, it rushes out. Together we breathe our mourning. There is comfort in our solidarity and we close our eyes to accept the brief respite.
It occurs to me that my father-in-law will never hold his wife this way again.
If anyone could cure cancer with sheer will and devotion, it would be him. He will not leave her side. He sits, he stands, he paces. He drinks coffee and more coffee. He questions the doctors and the nurses and the therapists. He hopes against all odds. He isn’t ready.
He sleeps in a recliner pulled up next to the hospital bed. He covers her hand with his and they talk in the dead of night, recounting their fifty years of shared memories. He helps her try to hang on and when it becomes clear she cannot, she helps him try to let go.
Until recently the only loved ones I’d lost were my grandparents who had lived full lives, into their 80’s. I still miss them dearly and lament their passing. But tragic death, to those young and taken too soon, by illness or accident had not yet entered my experience. Within a span of a few months loss hit hard, lodging painfully in my sternum: three deaths; my friend from childhood, my brother’s son, my sister’s husband. And now, my husband’s mother.
I can’t bear it, but somehow I must. Staying present to witness; this is the gift I can give my family by marriage. I am wife, I am daughter-in-law, I am sister-in-law, but my own crisis is significant. I am losing a mother, too.
I was twenty-eight when I met her. Newly divorced and unable to travel to my own family far away, I faced my first Christmas without my young children. My closest girlfriend insisted on taking me home to the bosom of her Midwestern family. Depression had me in its clutches. Morose and self-absorbed, I tried to decline. I wanted to retreat from the world at large and immerse myself in desolation, but, she wouldn’t have it and dragged me across the country to Missouri.
I’d never been anywhere east of Colorado and all I knew were the clichés I’d heard. Friendly, kind and generous, the stereotypes of folks from the heartland held true, but more than that, these people radiated joy that spread to all within reach; misery didn’t stand a chance when infected with their sunny optimism. In a noisy house full of activity, my senses were barraged; the smell of delicious food, the comfort of homey Christmas decorations throughout rooms of quaint antiques, the resonance of children’s voices playing and adults laughing and talking all at the same time. My mother-in-law-to-be welcomed me to her home, without conditions, without judgment, and simply loved me for being myself. I’d landed in a Norman Rockwell painting and it felt like wrapping in a warm blanket after coming in from the cold.
I was teased for my big hair and tie-dyed shirt and Arizona ‘accent.’ I gave as good as I got, imitating my future father-in-law’s Missouri dialect, “Well, now, you gotta take and go on past the ray-road tracks, that-a-way you’ll run right into that rest-runt. I tell you what, have they got great Eye-talian food. Jim-in-ey!”
We gathered around the large table as plates of turkey and ham and stuffing and potatoes were passed. I listened to stories from the past, each memory more outrageous, each teller louder than the last, laughter erupting between the words that flew back and forth. We played board games until midnight and imbibed in PaPa’s famous punch, a delicious concoction of fruit juice, soda and what I’m fairly certain was an entire bottle of Southern Comfort®. And on Christmas morning, when presents were doled out, I was handed more than one with my name on the tag. Gifts bought just for me. And not just any gifts; how this woman knew exactly what I would love I’ll never know. The startling gesture touched me deeply. Can you fall in love with someone instantly? How about a whole family? They had me at “Welcome to Missouruh.”
My connection to her continued through the darkest time of my life. I felt doubly blessed to have my own mother to soothe my heartache and another mother figure who healed unknowingly, simply by being herself. More visits and conversations allowed me to observe her ways; her smiling consistency and unflinching positive outlook, her effervescent energy. I came to know her well. And as they say, to know her, is to love her.
Three years later, as much a surprise to me as to everyone else, I discovered the love of my life right there in this family. Her only son, the brotherofmy best friend, proposed to me and I became a legal in-law, but I was already hers. I grew in devotion to her like Ruth to Naomi. She loved my children, not just the Kent babies that came later, but those she inherited, scooping them up and adding them to her brood like they’d been there all along, too. We were family.
Over more than twenty years and across hundreds of miles we shared happy, contented times, and the inevitable tough times brought us closer still. But, this? This is beyond tough. The worst has happened; Mom is the heart of this family and losing her is unthinkable.
When the call comes it is unexpected and triggers a panic we try, and fail, to suppress.
Steven’s younger sister says, “You need to come. Now.”
With palpable urgency we throw things in suitcases and cancel appointments and take the girls out of school, making the interminable drive to St. Louis at 80 mph. Reeling from shock, we don’t speak, but in our racing thoughts, we reach for anything to steady the lurching shift that’s thrown the world out of sync. Mom was okay just last week. They sent her home to recover from an arduous stem cell transplant, and even if she had a ways to go, she was definitely on the mend. But, now we know; the transplant didn’t work. Her body didn’t respond the way we’d hoped. For fourteen months the cancer attacked her viciously, resisting treatment after treatment. And now, how unfair, how goddamned cruel, that after all she’s endured—transfusions and surgeries, hospitalizations and procedures that should have granted, if not a cure, then at least more time—after all of it, she’s left with this abrupt, horrifying end. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She is only 69.
The reality hits when we reach the hospital: she is going where none of us can follow. Nearly everyone has made it and Mom is surrounded by the ones who love her most; all three of her kids—middle-aged now with kids of their own and even grandkids, her brother and sister, six of her eight grandchildren, and friends who have seen decades. Disbelief rocks us as we grope for meaning in this brutal certainty.
She’s compelled by prescience and though exhausted, will not rest until she has seen everyone, the wrenching goodbyes a sacred ritual.
Special permission is granted to our young daughters to visit. She touches and kisses her grandchildren and with heroic effort, between wheezing breaths, she helps them understand what’s happening.
“Remember when MeMe said everyone has a time? Well, it looks like it’s MeMe’s time.”
Her frail voice breaks and she pauses.
“But it will be okay. Somehow it will be okay.”
They bend over, careful to avoid her central line and oxygen cannula, for the last hug they will ever get from her. After they’ve left, she weeps, utterly bereft and inconsolable.
Her girlfriend of more than forty years braces for their final farewell, putting a smile on her face before she walks through the door.
“Hey, gal. Whatcha doin’?”
“Well,” Mom says, barely audible. “Looks like I’m kicking it over.”
Bantering constantly, regardless of the situation; that’s what they do. It’s how they say, “I don’t know what I would have done without you this year,” and “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you for the rest of my life.” They part not with ‘goodbye,’ but ‘see you later,’ and it’s not until she’s down the hall and around the corner that her beloved friend finally lets go and sobs into waiting arms.
It’s my turn. I need to see her; I need her to know how I feel, but what words can possibly convey everything she means to me? ‘For Good’ from the Broadway show Wicked plays in my mind along with the memory of sitting next to her at a live production—my birthday present to her—lyrical voices resonating in the astounding acoustics of the Fox Theatre. If I could, I would sing to her,
“I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn, and we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
It well may be, that we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part, so much of me is made from what
I learned from you
You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart
Because I knew you … I’ve been changed for good”
Instead, I sit by her bed as she lies sleeping. Suddenly, she opens her eyes and sees me. All that’s between us shimmers in the air. “I love you, Lisa Kent,” she says intensely. The blessing washes over me. She knows. “I love you, Linda Kent,” I answer with tears in my voice. She knows.
After her goodbyes, the process begins in earnest. As pneumonia rages, her heart races and her breathing becomes labored—torturous even, as her body fights for each inhalation. A sip of water to moisten her parched mouth, balm to soften her cracked lips, a cloth to cool her fevered head can only ease her suffering briefly.
“Rest now, Mom,” her oldest daughter says. “Just go to sleep. We’ll be right here.”
But in between fretful sleeping and waking, she struggles to tell us one more thing. Though she can barely form the words, she manages to utter, “I want us to be a family.”
Worried that without her we will drift apart and let conflict come between us, she is intent that we respect her wishes.
“I want you to love each other and be happy.”
“We will, Mom,” we say in unison. “We will.”
“Promise?” she pleads. She cannot let go until she knows we will take care of each other.
The nurses move around us now as we keep vigil. Confined to a hospital room, a waiting room and a hotel room, perspective shifts radically and the minutes and hours lose meaning. Has it been three days or a week? A surreal bending of space and time becomes our existence; there is no longer a world outside this place.
My husband won’t leave. By her bedside, he quietly holds her hand as she sleeps fitfully, though it’s excruciating for him to watch his mother suffer so. She stirs and asks, in a panic. “Where is Steven?”
In a soft voice he reassures her, “I’m right here, Mom.” He strokes her cheek with the back of his hand and she relaxes.
Each time she wakes and finds herself trapped in a body wrecked by disease her anxiety mounts. She is ready and wants to go. Having made peace with her fate, she needs this to be over. Mom is leaps and bounds ahead of us in letting go.
The sedatives and pain meds help calm her and the separation begins; she drifts somewhere between here and … not here. She’s no longer talking. She’s retreating. Dad sits on the edge of the bed, facing her, and leans in close.
“You are the love of my life,” he whispers. “You’ve fought so hard.”
Bringing her hand to his lips he bows his head. Sobs wrack his body. “Wait for me, I’ll be there soon.”
I can’t bear it. I turn away from the intensely private moment, my hand covering my mouth. My eyes search out and find those of my own husband and we both look to his two sisters. A swelling tide of anguish sweeps us under.
It is morning and her youngest daughter moves the bulky hospital bed, away from the wall with its monitors and machines, and angles it toward the window and the rays of the rising sun. Peaceful music plays in the background and tranquility eases in amid the tension.
With her last bit of strength, she struggles to lift her eyelids. One shaking hand lifts off the bed a few inches before dropping. Opening to small slits, her eyes are cloudy and seemingly unfocused, yet as we watch, it appears she is seeing the faces in the room. Throughout the morning, she moves her hand and tracks with her eyes, lighting on each one of us; an electrical connection pings back and forth, speaking the unspoken. She is here. But she is going. Soon.
It is very quiet when it happens. Dad has left, kissing her forehead before he goes. “I’ll be right back. See you in a minute.”
Her ragged breathing slows, and each breath lengthens a fraction. We continue our watch, each occupied; together, but apart. Sitting in a chair, I rest my head in my hand and start to sleep, to dream. For hours, for days, her fight to breath has become increasingly urgent. The loud, rhythmic sound churns; the biological instinct for self-preservation. Then, without prelude, silence. Something pulls my awareness back and I hear the absence of her breathing. I wake up and look at her.
She takes another breath. Then nothing. Awareness descends on us all synchronously and we spring to encircle her.
Another breath, easier this time. A pause. A softer breath, almost a sigh. A longer pause. Then another breath . . . that becomes . . . her last.
“You were the best mother I could ever ask for. I love you so much,” Steven cries.
“You held me when I came into the world and I will hold you as you leave,” his sister sobs as she cradles Mom in her arms.
Her heart slows and eventually stops. Then lightly, she lifts from her body and elegantly glides away.
An ephemeral gap in the storm appears suddenly, allowing brilliant light to bleed through the wooden blinds and warm my face for a moment before dark clouds converge, a pall returning. I roll over to look at my husband. Eyes closed, he is motionless; yet within, I can feel disquiet stirring; vibrations of pain course through his body. Sadness hangs in the air. His mother has died. Where did she go? I can’t find her and it frightens me. She is gone, slipping the surly bonds of earth despite our desperate longing. She is not suffering. She’s with the angels now. Yet the cavernous void her absence leaves can’t be quantified.
I cup his face and smooth his brow. He opens his eyes to look at me, and I see … her. In his eyes. He’s always had his mother’s eyes. I see her in his cheekbones. And in his smile. He has her generous nature and tender heart, too. And brilliant mind and love of cooking. He came from her.
My spirit soars with this epiphany. And my babies; they came from their father. Like Russian stacking dolls, they too, are part of her; shaped by her influence, molded by her image. In them, she lives on; everything she was, everywhere she was from.
She was from small towns and familiar neighbors and grandma next door. From gas at 21 cents a gallon and no indoor bathroom and a washing machine hooked up on the back porch. She was from the chill on a fall morning in Kansas as leaves blew along cracked sidewalks and from laundry on the line, drying in the warm spring sunshine. From playing board games inside on snowy days and riding bikes outside until dark.
She was from an absent father and an unstable mother. From a younger brother and sister to look after and from growing up too quickly. From babysitting at ten and Tasty Freeze at thirteen with a $.75 minimum wage. From a dance club out of town in an old warehouse and cherry vodka. From Jan and Dean and Ricky Nelson.
From an office job at Pittsburg State and a handsome fraternity boy from the university. From young love they said would never last. From a little white house and domesticated bliss and round babies that bounced on her knee. She was from washing dishes and washing out diapers. From friends who became family and raised each other’s kids, who made their own fun on a Saturday night when money was tight.
From the Kool-aid house where everyone wanted to hang out and the mom everyone wished was theirs. She was from “I’m gonna come down there and spank some butts!” and “Get outta that, dinner’s almost ready,” and “Be home by midnight and don’t drink and drive.” She was from “You can be whatever you want to be,” and “I’m so proud of you.” She was from motherhood.
She was from crockpots and homemade macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake and Christmas braid. From birthdays and Easters and Valentine’s Days cards with cash inside. From shopping year-round and finding the perfect gift for the perfect person. She was from boundless generosity.
She was from cross-stitched samplers and Precious Moments figurines and Longaberger baskets. From Christmas trees in the living room and in the family room and in the kitchen and in the bedroom, decorated with ornaments that aged with her children, each marked with the date and holding the memory of that time. She was from Santas; on the hutch, the shelf, the table and the stairs. Old World Santas, black Santas, country Santas and ceramic Santas. She was from Santa himself coming in at the back door, bringing presents to the little ones on Christmas Eve. She was from trash bags of torn and crumpled wrapping paper and delicious aromas and bellies too stuffed to move.
She was from a house bursting with laughter and life and noise, from her dream of a large family come true. From shouts of “MeMe!” followed by torpedo hugs around the waist. From special weekends and movies in the living room and Barbies and arts and crafts and baking cookies. She was from beautiful hands and gentle touches and soft hugs. From open arms for everyone who crossed her threshold. She was from acceptance and judging no one.
She was from hard work and dedication. From eye-glasses and fittings and appointments and patients and co-workers who loved her, from knowing everyone in town. She was from rising before the sun and falling asleep in front of the TV.
She was from retirement and Grandparent’s Day at elementary school and dance recitals and choir concerts and softball games. She was from best friends and vacations in the Smoky Mountains and Tybee Island and Santa Fe. From two couples traveling the country and shopping at the Lake. From coffee on Saturday mornings and growing old together.
She was from perfume and Pandora charms and Land’s End sweaters and scarves from L.L. Bean. From new recipes and new bedspreads and new rugs. From gardens and bird-feeders. She was from Mid-West Living and O Magazine. From bookshelves and bookshelves of books. From Kindles and laptops. She was from photos on Facebook and photos hung on every inch of every wall.
She was from her entire adult life as wife to her husband, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. From forgiveness and steady calm in stormy seas. She was from dignity and grace and long-suffering.
She was from pink ball caps skewed to the side and Relay for Life and incredible courage in the fight of her life, for her life. From comforting others even at the end of her own journey. She was from “Everything’s going to be all right,” and “I love you so much,” and “I’m ready to go.” She was from pure love.*
Memories and impressions of Mom flood my senses. The sting of death remains, but I can’t lose her; she’s here. My breath rushes in and I fill with the essence of her presence. I exhale … and I begin to weep. My husband’s arms lock around me quick and tight. He will hold me as long as I need him to. As long as it takes.
Grief lives in our house, but so does joy. The world without her will never be the same, but the sun will come up and the days will go by. The children will keep growing, and a new life will join the family when our grandson is born in a few months. We will laugh and celebrate and dream. And when remembrance overwhelms us, we will cry and rail and grieve again. There is no escape; we loved her, therefore we are powerless to circumvent mourning. I can’t bear it, but somehow I will. By leaning into the grief and feeling it in my bones, by going about living our robust lives and by knowing that the two are not mutually exclusive.
Mom wants us to be happy; she told us that in her dying wishes. She loved the song, ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’ by Phil Collins from the movie, Tarzan, which serendipitously came out the year her granddaughter, Sydney was born with Down syndrome. The lyrics speak of the protective and nurturing nature of a mother—and if there is anything she was born to be, it was a mother. I think Mom wants us to know she’s still here, loving us, mothering us and if we listen, if we look, we will always find her.
“You’ll be in my heart
Always, I’ll be with you
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I’ll be there always”
I love you, Mom.
*Format taken from the poem Where I’m From by George Ella Lyons.
Visit me for my repertoire of writing at www.lisapullenkent.com\
93 million miles from the Sun, people get ready, get ready, ’cause here it comes it’s a light, a beautiful light, over the horizon into our eyes…
A hush descends on the earth when it snows. It’s as if the fluffy white stuff that covers the ground and coats the trees and houses and cars also mutes the volume of the world. The rough edges are smoothed. The hard places soften. In the stillness, magic glitters. Untouched, the newly fallen snow collects; fresh, like a blank canvas to be painted, like a story to be written, like a new year to be lived.
2013 sounded like science fiction when I was a child, eons away. But, I’m getting older and the passage of time is accelerating at a spectacular pace. I am stunned to find myself, once again, on the brink of another year. Change beckons and opportunities entice. Anything seems possible.
Lofty New Year’s resolutions often set me up for disappointment, but I can’t help feeling excited to welcome new adventures, to shed old habits and create new ones. Recapping the events of the past year, I analyze what worked and what didn’t; what I want to repeat and what I definitely do not. Using these conclusions, I look forward and set goals. I make ‘plans.’ As the list making, Type-A, get-it-done-now kind of girl I’ve always been, this appeals to my sense of control in the universe. The thing is, the longer I’m a mother, the more I evolve into a spontaneous, go-with-the-flow, get-it-done-whenever kind of girl. The more I learn control is an illusion.
But, I continue to set my goals anyway—not so much written down as voiced in conversation or even just in the back of my mind: exercise and good nutrition, organization at home and work, time management, stress reduction, quality relationships with family and friends.
Fortunately for me, exercise isn’t just a daily habit, it’s my job. I took my first aerobics class in 1987 after my son was born, and I’ve been hooked on the benefits of working out ever since; from Jane Fonda to Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo, from distance running and weightlifting to becoming an instructor and personal trainer myself. Vital to my mental health, it’s made me a better mother and wife. “Mom is always so happy when she comes home from the gym,” Jeremy used to say with sarcasm. But it’s true—all seems right in my world after a great workout. And I get to witness transformation in the lives of others. I am lucky indeed.
A healthy diet, on the other hand, is a work in progress. I wage my own battles with food, succumbing to convenience and surrendering to sweets. But even when I’m eating clean, getting the kids onboard is tough. Sydney will tell you she’s a ‘big fan’ of chicken nuggets. Her idea of vegetables is tater tots, and she thinks ranch dressing is its own food group. Haley would happily live on sugar, buzzing 24 hours a day instead of just 20. Preparing fresh, nutritious meals for my family, served up cheerfully at the end of each day ala Betty Crocker, remains an elusive fantasy and at the top of my wishes.
Undoubtedly the biggest endeavor I pursue every blasted year is to get organized, something akin to the pictures in Real Simple magazine. (Forget about Pinterest. It’s not happening.) Chic yet minimal, and so clean. Commencing anything more than a temporary tidying up is like shoveling the walk while it’s still snowing. Yet, projects stretch out alluringly in front of me: start (or finish) remodeling and redecorating inside the house along with landscaping and overdue maintenance on the outside; print photos and put them all in albums; arrange and back up all the files on my computer(s); weed out the years of accumulation in storage; clean out the closets, drawers, cabinets and pantry (I recently threw away a soup mix with a 2007 expiration date, no joke); catch up on filing/shredding the office paperwork; sort through all the toys and clothes and books. Basically put my whole house in perfect order. Yeah, right.
I’m grateful for all we have—really, we are blessed beyond belief and it’s paramount to me that our kids learn to appreciate their good fortune—but our abundance has become overwhelming. Too much stuff, too much responsibility, too much work, too much on-the-go, too much, too much, too much! I’m caught between the visions in my head of a simplified, balanced life, all gears well oiled and running smoothly as I effortlessly administrate my domestic, professional and social duties and … the reality of my cluttered home, frenetic schedule and daily chores that feel at times as if I’m running on a rat’s wheel, going nowhere.
Inevitably, at this point the enormity of my New Year ambition weighs down my momentum and I’m left still wanting that life that seems out of reach. I’ve got less time when I wanted more, more stress where I needed less. The time I want to spend with family and friends in those quality relationships is greedily sucked up meeting endless expectations. When I finally get that I am the one imposing those expectations, I also get that I’m working against myself in my pursuit of accomplishment.
What I really want are dates with my husband and special “Mommy time” with my girls. I want music and theatre and art and creativity and spirituality. I want to experience joy every single day. I want to write. I want to laugh. And cry, too. Frequently. I want to engage in meaningful exchange. I want to embody the essence of love.
I also want a beautiful home that’s a respite and a haven; a worthy desire, but as I sort through the to-do list of my resolutions, it dawns on me I’m doing it backwards. I’ve been going about this my whole thing trying to shove a square peg in a round hole; to force change from the outside, manipulating circumstances rather than allowing them to unfold naturally by shifting my focus.
Throughout Sydney’s development, she’s hit many plateaus, not uncommon for kids with Down syndrome. Milestones like crawling and walking and particularly potty-training, and skills like learning to write her name and tie her shoes, would progress to a certain point and then … stall out. For a long, long time. We would get discouraged. Compare her to others. Cajole her, push her, do extra therapy, try charts and reward systems. We would give up. But, honestly, it was all for naught. When she was ready she made the leap, every time. She would just … change. Patiently, and without judgment, she let go of the past and emerged into the newest version of herself.
What if instead of asking myself “What do I want to do?” when tabulating the multitude of things I intend to undertake this year, I ask, “Who do I want to be? What version of myself?” To posit the question in this way elicits a discernible shift in energy. Already I feel lighter, with anticipation for all the possibilities.
In 1994 Dr. Masaru Emoto from Japan studied water molecules frozen into ice crystals and photographed under a high-powered microscope, expecting to see structures similar to snow flakes. The images captured revealed that each crystal bore a unique design; no two were the same. Water samples taken from pristine rivers and lakes created beautifully formed geometric crystals while those gathered from polluted sources yielded chaotic asymmetry with no patterns.
The research went further, exposing the water to music, prayer, spoken words and even typed words taped to the containers. It appeared that positive thoughts and kind words generated intricate and magnificent shapes while exposure to negativity—harsh words and emotions—propagated results similar to those from the polluted water; misshapen and distorted without aesthetic beauty. What’s more, after prayers were offered on behalf of water from the toxic sample, the crystals branched into crystalline symmetry; just as those from pure water sources and those exposed to music, prayer and words like gratitude, peace and love.
Toxic polluted water
Water from same source after being prayed over
Dr. Emoto’s work has been celebrated by many, but criticized, too, by skeptics who say his methods lack scientific controls and his claims are simply invalid. In answer to his critics, he has said, “ …the world is filled with wonders and mysteries … there are so many incomprehensible things that we cannot understand it all.” The photographing of crystals is neither science nor religion. He calls it art.
To me, their beauty is awe-inspiring and irrefutable, and the concept that human consciousness can have an effect on the molecular structure of water is not implausible. In fact, to me, it’s downright fascinating to consider that every thought, feeling and intention might carry its own signature and have an impact. Albert Einstein, the father of modern physics said, “Concerning matter, we have been all wrong. What we have called matter is energy, whose vibration has been so lowered as to be perceptible to the senses. There is no matter.”
According to Einstein himself, we are living in an energy field, inextricably interwoven with everything around us, our cells taking in and letting off particles constantly. Everything in life is vibration. Change the vibration and change the reality. Based on this principal, if I change my thoughts and change my words, I change myself. By focusing on positive intent, I gravitate towards people and situations and activities that inspire and uplift me. I seek joy and kindness and I radiate the same.
When in doubt, I need only observe to see the truth in this theory. The days I’m rushed and harried, I inexorably get in line behind the slowest customer checking out with the rudest cashier. The days I’m especially exhausted are somehow marathon days full of appointments and impossible deadlines, countless texts, emails and phone calls, with no time for rest. My frustration mounts, tension creeps in and my mood and attitude reflect it. Those are also the days negative energy culminates at home. It is interactive and exponential. This is when the girls fight and misbehave; when my husband reacts and misunderstandings occur; when unkind words are spoken, tempers are short and we’re all pulled in a downward spiral.
Then there are the days I step outside and feel the early morning air on my face, and see the moon, and feel grateful to be alive and in this body of mine. When I have a bounce in my step after teaching class to an amazing group of people, the energy in the room positively electric. When my daily dealings are pleasant and I have a smile for everyone I meet. And the smiles coming back at me are sweet and genuine. When the nurturing compassion of my best friend far away reaches through the phone line and encircles me, leaving me warm and comforted. When peace washes over me, through me when listening to music. When I’m met at the end of the day with squeals of delight from my girls: “Mommy’s home!” And my husband wraps me in a bear hug. And we share laughter and stories. Those are the days we dance in the kitchen.
I don’t need a microscope to know that something inside me is altered—not just metaphorically, but literally. Externally, things may not appear much different, but internally, I’m living in another universe.
Sydney lives there nearly all the time. Last night she came looking for me, just to give me a hug. Laying her head on my chest, she was still and quiet. Her gentleness permeated every cell of my body as I breathed in her innocence. “I love kisses with you,” she whispered. Placing my cheek next to hers, I closed my eyes. This child, from birth, has slowed me down and opened me up. I can breathe when she’s near me. She resonates the purity I’m chasing.
I think this year I’ll resolve to become a beautiful ice crystal. By exposing myself to magnificence and kindness and grace, I can release negativity and clear my mind of what doesn’t serve me, allowing the almost imperceptible shift in focus to bring about the changes I desire. Then I become the change I want to see in the world. Though unique, I am part of the collective. I am love.
After a snowfall, when the sun breaks through the clouds, billions of snowflakes can be seen, sparkling in the bright light. Together they make up the expanse of vivid white blanketing the ground just as the individual brilliance of every person on the planet comprises the world’s consciousness. We are one. Change myself, change the world.
A love letter to my sibs.
“Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
~Leonard Cohen from Stranger Music: Selected Poems and Songs
photo by Theophilos Papadopoulos
My mother says this.